Just when I think the large amount of social anxiety that floods my brain can’t simply get any worse, it does. And it always seems to happen when a new person enters into my life. Whether that person is here short-term or long term it doesn’t seem to matter. It somehow always throws my equilibrium off. Thus I end up finding myself in some socially awkward mess making bad assumptions.
Normally when this happens I give myself one day to get back to normal. Whatever normal is nowadays. I take time to sit by myself and meditate on what I’m feeling and why. I’ll also write in my journal about and then I’ll reflect back on it. I repeat my daily affirmations to myself in the mirror. Every time my mind starts to get off course and negative thoughts come in, I drive them back to the present. These practices work very well for me. They have for the past three years.
Though I don’t think anything would have prepared me for my recent encounter. Most people dream about it. They often fantasize about it. But what happens when they actually get it? They make themselves look like an idiot with it. Whatever it is. Or at least that’s what happens to me. I then assume that it doesn’t like me. I think I’m not good enough for it. Maybe it was something I said. Or was it something I didn’t say?
I begin making these bad assumptions based on one or two meaningless conversations via text. The conversations that don’t mean anything to them but mean everything to me. Most of the time I behave pretty well. That was until my recent slip. This past weekend I was able to meet one of my favorite human beings in the entire world. Which says a lot because I don’t even like most of my family.
We went out for drinks, I fell in love, and put my number in his phone. Sounds great right? It would appear so until my slightly pretentious character may have gotten the best of me. At least that’s what my thoughts have been telling me. It’s easier to assume the worst rather than to hope for the best. It’s also easier to push people away rather than letting them in.
This tells me that it’s time I put my big girl pants on and act my age instead of my shoe size. I must deal with my actions and emotions properly. Everything will fall into place in my life when the time is right.